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Saturday Night Live Best of Alec Baldwin Transcripts 5.29.05

 

1.  
   

Thank you, yeah!
>> I just assumed george would
have given you the money.
>> No, I never even heard
from george.
>> Well, I mean, I can't be
responsible for that.
I mean, he said that he would
take care of the band.
Oh, alec, how's it going?
>> Loren.
Everything is absolutely
perfect.
And I mean that.
And, hey, paul, what can I say?
It's an honor, really, thanks
for doing the show.
Pick up a couple of drinks
for the band tonight, would you?
[ Applause ]
Got to get back and do
the monologue.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, thank you.
All right, we have a great show
tonight.
If you could give me a little
applause here, I'll take care
of all of you after the show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Paul mccartney is here, yeah!
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.

 

2.  
 

 


[ Cheers and applause ]
>>> Oh, that was great fun,
mr. Cherrywood.
We must do it again some time.
>> If your idea of great fun is
chasing a fuzzy little ball
over god's creation, then
I pity you.
>> You know, mr. Cherrywood,
I don't think you're half
as cranky as you would have me
believe.
[ Laughter ]
[ Bird chirping ]
Oh, a bird has flown in.
What do we do?
>> We must try to scare it out
the door.
>> Oh, all right.
Well, let's try it.
>> Here he comes!
Here he comes!
>> This way, towards the door.
Scare it towards the door.
>> I'll try.
I can't reach him.
>> Shush, shush.
>> Here he comes.
Where is he?
>> Oh, I don't know.
There he goes.
[ Laughter ]
[ Romantic music plays ]
>> I must go.
>> But julie -- julie!
>> Your tea, mr. Cherrywood.
Where would you like it?
>> Oh, over there is fine.
Just put it anywhere.
>> Oh, no.
I'm so clumsy.
Why did I do that?
>> Oh, don't worry, it's
nothing.
Here.
Here, let me help you.
>> Oh, no, you mustn'T.
It's my fault.
[ Romantic music plays ]
>> Well, isn't this a pretty
sight.
>> Oh, madam.
Oh, I was just bringing
the gentleman his tea in,
and I tripped and he was just
being kind to me.
>> I can see that.
You may go now.
>> Yes, ma'am.
[ Laughter ]
>> Mr. Cherrywood, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to ask
you to leave greenhilly.
>> Leave greenhilly, but why?
>> You're having a very
disruptive effect on everyone
in the household.
>> What are you talking about?
>> Why, even now there's
lipstick all over your face.
Hold still.
>> Oh, no, no, don't bother.
[ Romantic music plays ]
>> Just as I thought.
[ Laughter ]
>> It's not what it seems.
>> Prepare to defend yourself,
mr. Cherrywood, if that's
your real name.
>> Oh, oh, help.
Someone, please, help!
Help!
[ Romantic music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> Well --
I'll be going now.
[ Laughter ]
>> But harry -- harry!
[ Dog barking ]
[ Laughter ]
>> Why, where did you come from?
You're a happy little doggie,
aren't you?
[ Dog whimpers ]
Let's just find out who
you belong to.
[ Romantic music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
3.  
  >>> Ladies and gentlemen,
tony bennett.
[ Applause ]
>> Hello, everybody.
Hello.
You know, I've sung for kings
and queens, and one thing's
for sure -- I love things that
are great.
I love things that are great
good things are fantastic
guess what
I also paint
just a hobby
nothin' drastic
'cause I dig everything
except the things I don't
and I'll try anything except
the things I say I won't
but one thing's
for sure
I love things
that are gre-e-eat
yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, thank you.
Hey!
Hey, everybody.
Thank you so much.
Today's show is first-rate,
really terrific.
We got a whole bunch of great,
great stuff.
Later on, we're gonna be
mellowing out to the sounds
of tweet, one of the great gals
singin' out there today.
And I'm just so tickled
about my first guest.
She's a real classic, and she's
also a new bride.
Please welcome a super gal,
liza minnelli.
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
>> Liza --
liza, you look as happy
as a clam.
>> Oh, it's sure great to see
you, tony.
I'm sorry you couldn't come
to my wedding.
>> I was stuck in madrid
with casey affleck, but I heard
it was a great, great time.
>> Oh, it was.
It was a pip.
I felt like cinderella, and it
still isn't even midnight.
>> I just wanted to congratulate
your hubby here, too.
I wanted to congratulate
mr. David gest.
You nabbed yourself a great girl
here, david.
[ Laughter ]
David?
>> He's actually asleep right
now, tony.
See, he has eyelid issues due
to a tweezing infection.
And poor little puppy has
to sleep with his eyes open.
Here.
>> Oh, yes.
Hello.
[ Laughter ]
>> David, you got yourself
a beautiful lady.
>> It's always been my dream
to marry judy -- liza.
[ Laughter ]
>> Ah, he's such a flirt.
>> Now, david, I heard
you were gay.
[ Laughter ]
And I think it's just great that
you put aside bangin' sticks
with all those joes long enough
to notice this little buttercup.
[ Laughter ]
But, david, I gotta ask you --
why would you build your house
in a cherry orchard whenvd2u
(p'anas?
[ Laughter ]
>> Tony, I don't know where that
rumor came from.
David and I are very much
in love.
>> David, don't you just look
little pickle hangin' and think,
"what have I done?"
[ Laughter ]
"I just married a woman,
and no matter how many stars
I wish I may, I wish I might on,
she ain't never gonna grow
a pocket rocket."
[ Laughter ]
>> Tony, I can assure you, what
david and I have is
really special.
Isn't it, honey?
>> So, david --
david, you're saying you don't
miss deep-frying the drumstick?
[ Laughter ]
>> I don't understand.
>> How about playing the kiwis?
>> I'm sorry.
>> Come on, you like to do
the mushroom dance, don't you?
>> What does that mean?
>> Do you miss having sex
with other men?
>> That I do miss.
[ Laughter ]
>> Now, david, hold that thought
on having sex with other men.
I gotta mention our sponsors-
dr. Scholl's comfort gel insoles
for women.
David, do you mind?
Solid.
Right here.
You know, women, they got
delicate feet.
I once made love to a lady's
foot for seven hours.
But then the nurse came
in and said, "mr. Bennett,
she's gone."
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, we're back here
with liza and her
husband gay-vid.
What were we chattin'
about, gay-vid?
>> Tony, we were talking
about how cute my new
husband is.
Isn't he cute?
He is so cute, I just wanna lick
his shiny little face.
[ Laughter ]
>> Well, I think whatever crazy
thing you two got goin' on is
better than two people murdering
each other.
[ Laughter ]
>> Amen, tony.
Love is what it's all about.
>> Hey, liza, you feel like
singin' a tune?
>> Oh, more than anything.
>> All right, here we go.
I love new york in june
how about you
I love a liza tune
how about you
I love a fireside
when a storm is due
he loves potato chips
and having sex with men
how about you
I wanna thank my guests,
dr. Scholl, liza with a "z"
and david, the married fagella.
[ Light laughter ]
Next up, we're gonna be making
lobster ravioli with
craig kilborn.
Yeah.
4.  
  [ Crickets chirping ]
>>> And hanging on the car door
was a bloody hook!
>> Ah!
[ Laughter ]
>> Hey, I got a ghost story,
mr. Armstrong, but I can't tell
it until canteen boy gets back.
>> Where is canteen boy?
>> He's right over there.
[ Laughter ]
>> Canteen boy, come over here.
>> Hang on a sec, fellas.
I got a bit of a situation
over here.
>> You can relax, canteen boy.
That thing is made of wood.
>> So it is.
[ Light laughter ]
Good eye.
>> Hey, canteen boy, I've got
a really scary ghost story.
Once upon a time, there was
a moron who always had a stupid
canteen wrapped around his neck.
>> I think I've heard this
tale before.
>> It was a dark and stormy
night, and this moron went
into the woods and a huge bear
came up and ripped his head off,
just 'cause he looked so stupid.
The end.
[ Laughter ]
>> Hey, you want to see
something really scary, look
in a mirror.
>> Shut up, canteen boy.
>> You shut up.
>> What's that?
>> Nothing.
[ Laughter ]
>> All right guys.
Lay off canteen boy.
You can hike on back
to your tents and hit the hay.
Let's go, scouts.
Move it, move it, move it.
Not you, canteen boy.
I wanted to talk to
you about something.
I see you take a lot of ribbing
from the other scouts.
>> It goes with the territory,
mr. Armstrong.
Sticks and stones.
>> Atta boy.
[ Laughter ]
You know, it seems like
the moment you get out
of the city, all your problems
just sort of fade away.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry, canteen boy.
My beard is scratchy, isn't it?
>> No harm done.
[ Laughter ]
>> My beard is scratchy, canteen
boy, but it gives good
back rubs.
[ Laughter ]
>> Yeah, right, I'll take a rain
check on that, mr. Armstrong.
>> Whoops, my shirt fell off.
[ Laughter ]
>> That's a quick fix,
mr. Armstrong.
Just put it back on.
[ Laughter ]
>> That's great, canteen boy.
Hey, do you like wine?
>> Actually, I prefer purified
water right out of the old
canteen here.
[ Laughter ]
>> I'm going to get us
a little wine.
>> All right.
A little drop won't kill me,
I guess.
[ Owl hooting ]
>> Hoo-hoo to you.
Hey, owl, if you're so wise, why
don't you go to sleep?
It's the middle of the night.
[ Laughter ]
>> Here's to the great outdoors.
Whoops, was that your sleeping
bag?
You'd better share mine.
[ Laughter ]
It's extra large.
>> Sure, why not?
Until mine dries off.
It won't take long.
It's made of goretex.
>> Canteen boy, would you rub
some bug repellant on my chest?
[ Laughter ]
>> It's february, mr. Armstrong.
I think all the bugs went down
south to hibernate, I'll be
honest with you.
>> Humor me, canteen boy.
[ Laughter ]
>> There you go.
No more bugs.
[ Laughter ]
>> I have to apologize
for my hairy chest.
It can be a little scratchy.
>> My mom might like it.
She's a big tom selleck fan.
[ Laughter ]
>> You're very funny,
canteen boy.
Make me laugh some more.
>> Actually, I left my joke book
over in the tent.
How about I go get it?
>> That's okay, canteen boy.
Let's just lie here and look
at the stars.
Do you -- do you know how --
[ Laughter ]
How to play --
truth or dare, canteen boy?
>> Uh, refresh me.
[ Laughter ]
>> You choose between telling
a secret or doing a dare.
>> All right, dare.
You know what, mr. Armstrong?
I'll start off with the truth.
[ Laughter ]
>> I'll tell you a truth,
canteen boy.
You know what I hate?
Underpants.
[ Laughter ]
>> Jeez, I think if you're
worried about bugs, underpants
would be your last line
of defense.
[ Laughter ]
>> Problem solved.
>> Your problem is solved,
but I think my problem is just
beginning.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, what the hell is that?
[ Laughter ]
>> I don't know.
It must have been a bed bug.
[ Laughter ]
>> That was pretty big
for a bed bug.
[ Laughter ]
>> Okay.
It wasn't a bed bug.
>> Let's go back to saying it
was a bed bug.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, you know what?
The park ranger just called.
He said one camper per
sleeping bag.
Sorry, adios amigos.
>> God, you make me laugh,
canteen boy.
[ Laughter ]
>> I'm sorry, canteen boy.
I fell asleep before anything
happened.
>> No harm done.
>> Well, who's hungry?
I'm going to make us a power
breakfast.
>> Okay.
[ Making animal call ]
>> Canteen boy, have you ever
had a mimosa?
Canteen boy?
[ Snake rattle ]
Canteen boy, you rascal.
[ Cheers and applause ]
5.  
 

 

[ Laughter ]
>>> On the 13th of january,
1931, right here in
new york city, magic happened.
An artist was born that would
rival leonardo da vinci
or michelangelo.
But his tools would not be pen,
nor brush, nor chisel,
nor palette.
His tools would be his comically
so please welcome the greatest
performer ever to have graced
this earth,
charles nelson reilly.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
>> What?
[ Laughter ]
>> If you ever want to see
acting at its finest, acting
that will make you re-examine
your life, acting that will make
you see the world for the first
time, watch the 1969 television
series, "love, american style."
Specifically the episode titled
"love and the laughing lovers."
It is a delight.
[ Laughter ]
Tell us about it.
>> Well, you know, it was
fantastic.
It was a summer full of fashion,
fun and frivolity.
I learned a lot.
One time, gary newworth,
the director, said to me,
"charles, why don't you grab
the glasses between your thumb
and your forefinger and pretend
you're twisting them?"
[ Laughter ]
And I was never the same.
>> Nor indeed was the world.
[ Laughter ]
Nor history.
Nor anytng that the human eye
has ever captured.
[ Laughter ]
When one thinks of C.N.R., One's
mind goes right to "match game."
That show was delightful.
No, no, it was brilliant.
No, no, no, no.
There is no word to describe
its perfection.
So I'm forced to make one up.
And I'm going to do
so right now.
Scrumtrulessant.
[ Laughter ]
>> Oh, my.
That's a good word.
>> Yes, it is.
"Match game" was absolutely
scrumtrulessant.
>> You know, once we were taping
"match game '75,"
nipsey russell, brett sommers
and I, and we were hanging out
at gene rayburn's house.
And nipsey said, "charles, where
does the joy come from?"
And I said, "it comes
from my blank, and it blanks
from my blank."
[ Laughter ]
And betty white laughed so hard,
her boob fell out.
[ Laughter ]
>> Unbelievable.
You are a modern master.
Already a huge success
on broadway, you easily crossed
over into film.
In 1984, you portrayed
don don canneloni
in "cannonball run 2."
[ Laughter ]
The performance, so
scrumtrulessant, I can barely
move.
[ Laughter ]
Then, in 1985, you played
the hardest role of your life,
yourself, in "joan rivers
and friends salute
heidi abramowitz."
>> My joanie.
>> Yes.
What was it like to play
charles nelson reilly?
>> Sad, fun, tragic, happy,
glorious, sticky, horrible, neat
and a little gassy.
[ Laughter ]
>> You are a blinding, brilliant
light from heaven.
[ Laughter ]
Now, there's one important role
we have yet to discuss, and that
is the voice of king llort
in the 1993 animated feature,
"a troll in central park."
[ Laughter ]
If you haven't seen "a troll
in central park," you must.
It is like looking into the face
of god and seeing him smiling
back saying, "you are my most
wondrous creation."
[ Laughter ]
May I speak with king llort?
>> Oh!
>> Is king llort there?
>> Oh, of course.
Well, hello, james lipton.
I'm king llort.
There's a troll in central park.
I'm king llort.
[ Laughter ]
>> I am born anew
in your genius.
We will conclude our evening,
as we conclude each
of our evenings, with
a questionnaire by the great
bernard piveaux of "apostrophe
papillon de la
[ Stumbling over french words ]
[ Laughter ]
What is your favorite word?
[ Laughing crazily ]
What is your least
favorite word?
>> Oh-h-h-H.
>> Well played.
And nally, if heaven exists,
what would you like to hear god
say when you arrive?
>> Hmm.
>> Charles nelson reilly,
I am not alone in thinking that
you make ghandi look like
a child pornographer.
[ Laughter ]
For "inside the actor's studio,"
I'm james lipton.
[ Cheers and applause ]
6.  
 

 

>>> Hello.
I'm margaret jo mccullen.
>> And I'm terry rialto.
>> Both: And you're listening
to "the delicious dish"
on national public radio.
[ Light laughter ]
>> Now, terry, it's christmas
season again, our favorite time
of year.
>> That's right, margaret jo.
Holiday time is when the most
wonderful culinary wishes can
come true.
Now what's on your list for this
holiday season, margaret jo?
>> Well, terry, I really got
greedy this year.
I'm asking kris kringle
for a wooden bowl, some
oversized index cards
and a funnel.
[ Laughter ]
>> Ooh, a funnel.
That'll be great for funneling.
>> I know.
I feel like a glutton.
[ Laughter ]
What's on your list, terry?
>> Well, I'm only asking santa
for one thing -- a big box
of glue traps to help me deal
with my excessive rat problem.
Now tell me --
[ Laughter ]
Are you, margaret jo, going
to leave any treats out
for santa this year?
>> Oh, absolutely.
I always do.
I like to leave santa some tap
water and rice.
[ Laughter ]
If santa's anything like me,
christmas foods really wreak
havoc on the old digestive
system.
What are you gonna leave, terry?
>> Oh, I can't ever leave food
out in my apartment,
because I have an excessive rat
problem.
[ Laughter ]
>> It's neat.
Santa's fun.
>> Santa's fun.
He is fun.
>> Neat.
>> Yeah, it's fun.
>> Good times.
>> Good times.
[ Laughter ]
>> Well, christmas is a time
for traditional foods
and bite-sized treats.
And we have a very special guest
today.
>> That's right, terry.
He's the owner of his own
holiday bakery with a very, very
clever name.
Season's eatings.
[ Laughter ]
>> That's really funny.
>> I know.
It rhymes with season's
greetings.
[ Laughter ]
>> Oh.
Please welcome the owner
of season's eatings,
pete schweddy.
[ Laughter ]
>> Hi, pete.
Welcome.
How are you?
>> Welcome, pete.
>> We like the name
of your store.
>> Hi.
Thanks for having me.
>> Now did I pronounce your name
correctly?
>> You sure did.
Pete schweddy.
[ Laughter ]
>> Well, pete, terry and I have
been looking forward to having
you on the show, because we know
you're the master of all kinds
of christmas goodies.
Tell us about them.
>> Well, there are lots of great
treats this time of year.
Zucchini bread, fruitcake.
But the thing that I most like
to bring out at this time
of year are my balls.
[ Laughter ]
>> Mm.
Mm, balls.
[ Laughter ]
Mm.
Tell us about your balls, pete.
[ Laughter ]
>> Well, over at season's
eatings, we have balls for every
taste.
Popcorn balls, cheese balls, rum
balls, you name it.
>> Mm.
>> Wow.
My mouth's watering just
thinking about those balls.
[ Laughter ]
>> It's been years since I've
seen any balls.
[ Laughter ]
>> Would you like to see
my balls now?
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
Whip 'em out.
[ Laughter ]
>> Ooh.
>> Wow.
>> Wow.
You have some beautiful balls.
[ Laughter ]
>> They're bigger than
I expected.
[ Laughter ]
>> You know, a lot of people
tell me that.
[ Laughter ]
>> Look at that, terry, the way
they glisten.
[ Laughter ]
>> That's because I make sure
that each one of my balls gets
plenty of oil.
>> I can't help but notice,
pete, your balls are a little
misshapen.
[ Laughter ]
>> That's because I rested them
on a hot stove for too long.
[ Laughter ]
>> Can I touch your balls?
[ Laughter ]
>> Go ahead.
But be careful, they're very
delicate.
>> Wow, I can't wait to get
my mouth around this ball.
[ Laughter and applause ]
>> Ooh, I like the way
your balls smell.
[ Laughter ]
>> Do whatever you want to them,
ladies.
My balls are here
for your pleasure.
[ Laughter ]
>> Wow, pete.
I have to say, your balls are
so tender.
>> Well, there's no beating
my balls.
[ Laughter ]
They're made from a secret
schweddy family recipe.
[ Laughter ]
No one can resist my schweddy
balls.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> Fun.
>> Fun.
Schweddy balls.
>> Nothing like a schweddy ball.
[ Laughter ]
>> Schweddy balls.
>> Good times.
>> Good times.
>> Mm.
>> Mm.
Oh, our producer glenn is
gesturing to us from
the technician's booth.
And it looks like he --
oh, he's telling us to wrap
it up.
>> I guesshat's all the time
we have today, terry.
So join us next week when
our topic will be that other
holiday favorite.
>> Both: Fragrant salty nuts.
[ Applause ]
>> Okay, a quick plug.
If you order from season's
eatings now, you can still send
out a special schweddy ball sack
in time for christmas.
>> Oh, great idea.
My niece would love a sack
of schweddy balls.
[ Cheers and applause ]
7.  
 

 

[ Crickets chirping ]
>>> What's wrong, honey?
Can't sleep?
>> I guess I'm just nervous
about the election.
>> Don't worry.
You're going to win.
You'll be the best governor
our state has ever had.
>> Thanks, sweetie.
[ Loud crash ]
>> I think someone's downstairs.
>> I'll get the gun.
>> No, honey, don'T.
>> Don't move, I've got a gun!
[ Gunshot ]
[ Dog whimpering ]
>> Lassie?
Lassie?
[ Audience aws ]
Oh, my god, lassie!
You've shot lassie!
>> No, no!
You shot lassie!
>> Daddy shot lassie.
Lassie's dead.
>> It was an accident.
What the hell were you doing
in here anyway?
>> She was trying to warn
you that you had a carbon
monoxide leak.
And you shot her!
It's lassie!
>> I hate you, daddy.
>> I didn't mean to.
>> Get away!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
>> And in conclusion, we need
to get poor people pulling
themselves up by their
bootstraps, or else in prison.
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> And now we will hear
from the challenger,
henry buckwell.
>> I guess I have a little more
faith in the people than
the current governor.
I believe that people want
to work if given the
opportunity.
>> You shot lassie!
[ Laughter ]
>> I believe that we have
created a system that excludes
people of certn races.
>> Shut up, lassie killer!
[ Laughter ]
>> Yes, that was an accident.
T as I was saying, I envision
a state where people have
the opportunity to --
>> To kill lassie!
>> You killed lassie,
you bastard!
[ Audience boos ]
>> Listen, please.:"Ujj
it was a mistake.
All right?
Have a little understanding.
>> Kiss my --
>> Kiss my ass!
>> I was going to say
"kiss my baby."
>> He cursed at a baby!
>> He did.
He swore at an infant!
>> I couldn't see who it was.
I didn't know.
[ Audience boos ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
>> People, there's been some
confusion about certain recent
events, but I've come here
to speak to you tonight
as an american.
>> You're a baby curser!
>> You shot lassie!
[ Audience boos ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
>> Ladies and gentlemen of this
great state, I come before
you a humble man, who hopes only
to serve other people.
And yes, I've stumbled.
I've shot lassie.
I've cursed at an infant.
And yes, I've wiped my ass
with the american flag.
[ Laughter ]
But don't let that define me,
don't judge me, because someday
you could find yourself
in a similar situation.
You could kill babe,
that loveable pig.
>> Don't talk about
babe like that!
[ Audience boos ]
[ Laughter ]
>> He wiped his ass with a baby!
>> Oh, my god!
>> Please, please.
You're missing my point.
I just want to serve you all
as governor.
>> That'll never happen!
Everyone hates you!
>> Then I think it's a sad day
when a man can't get elected
because he shot a dog, shouted
obscenities at a newborn,
and defiled the flag and, yes,
wiped his ass with a baby.
[ Laughter ]
And I ask each of you to look
beyond those things and vote
for me, because you something?
I think we're going to surprise
some people.
[ Cheers and applause ]
8.  
 

 

>>> Bonjour, classe.
[ Laughter ]
>> All: Bonjour.
>> "Bonjour, monsieur nobec."
>> All: Bonjour, monsieur nobec.
>> Mais oui.
Je m'appelle monsieur nobec.
Et vous?
Comment vous appelez-vous?
>> Huh?
>> Repondez --
"je m'appelle --"
>> Je m'appelle robert.
>> Je m'appelle robert.
>> Je m'appelle robert.
>> Je m'appelle robert.
>> Je m'appelle robert.
>> Je m'appelle robert.
>> Je m'appelle robert.
[ Laughter ]
>> Bien, bien.
[ Applause ]
Et quel jour est-il aujourd'hui?
>> I got to go to the bathroom.
[ Laughter ]
>> En francais.
>> Uh, je -- gotta go --
[ Laughter ]
>> "Je voudrais --"
>> Je voudrais --
>> "Je voudrais aller
a la salle de bain."
>> -- Aller a la salle de bain.
>> "Aller a la salle de bain."
>> Aller a la salle de bain.
[ Laughter ]
>> Bien.
Et quelle heure est'il, monsieur
cortise?
Quelle heure est'il?
>> Like, 8:00.
>> En francais.
>> Il est wheat whueres.
[ Laughter ]
>> Il est huit heures.
>> Il est huit heures.
>> Il est huit heures.
[ Laughter ]
>> Il est huit heures.
>> Il est huit heures.
[ In high voice ]
>> Il est huit heures.
>> Bien, bien.
[ Laughter and applause ]
En francais, "il est huit
heures."
>> I gotta make a phone call.
>> Ah.
Qu'est-ce que c'est?
>> I --
>> En francais.
>> Je -- je --
>> Je voudrais --
>> Je voudrais --
>> Je voudrais telephoner
beaucoup defini.
>> Je voudrais telephoner --
>> Je voudrais telephoner
bea(5:Q#ini.
[ Mimics teacher's sounds ]
>> Je blu-blay --
[ Laughter ]
Melafonay bl-blay-bl.
>> Bien, bien.
[ Applause ]
Ou est la biblioteque?
Monsieur brian.
>> Oh, man, I'm sorry.
I swear, I was at the nurse.
You -- I had to sign up
for this --
>> Ah!
En francais!
[ Laughter ]
Je suis aller voir
je pense faire
une demande.
>> Je la batta hoo!
[ Laughter ]
Kay jabba-jabba hoo!
Batta-batta-batta hoo!
Batta-batta ba hoo-hoo la la!
[ Laughter ]
>> Bien, bien
[ Applause ]
Bien.
Classe, repetez, s'il vous
plait --
>> All: Je jabba-jabba hoo!
Batta-batta-batta hoo!
Batta-batta ba hoo-hoo la la!
>> Bien, tres bien, tres bien.
[ French accordian music ]
>> Parndonez-moi.
Ou est le musee d'orsay?
>> Le musee, c'est dans la rue
de cent ans, pres de louvre.
>> Uh, uh, uh, uh.
>> Le musee est dans
la rue de cent ans,
pres de louvre.
[ Applause ]
9.  
 

 

>>> Thank you all for coming
here on such short notice.
As you probably know, our recent
diagnostic tests of
the graves-2 satellite has
revealed a flaw in its orbit
computer.
We've assembled you, the finest
minds in the field, to find
a solution.
So get acquainted, get to know
each other, and let's get
to work.
Any questions?
>> I have a question.
It's about your haircut.
When exactly did brillo pads
start making toupees?
[ Laughter ]
Ha, you just got zinged!
[ Laughter ]
Zing!
>> I'm sorry.
I don't think I've had
the pleasure.
>> The name is dave clinger,
but my friends call me
dave zinger on account
of my awesome, awesome zings.
>> Well, nice to meet you.
Now, back to the satellite.
I'd like to open up the floor
for suggestions, and time is
of the essence.
>> Is there any way to increase
the thrust?
>> Yeah, play some
teddy pendergrass and pour me
a couple of margaritas.
Ho, you got zinged, too!
Zing!
Zing, zing, zing!
The mark of zingo!
Zing!
>> What are you doing?
>> Oh, it's just I've been told
I'm really good at zings,
so when I have a good one, I do
something afterwards just to let
everyone know that a really good
zing has happened.
>> That's great.
Can we continue?
>> I don't know, can we?
Mini-zing!
Bing.
Keep going.
[ Laughter ]
>> As I was saying, if we can't
find a solution to this within
48 hours, we may lose serious
torque.
>> Serious torque?
All I see is a roomful
of serious dorks.
Ha ha ha.
Er-ee-er-ee-er-ee.
[ Makes burning sounds ]
You're burned.
[ Laughter ]
>> And who might you be?
>> I'm dr. Greg burns,
but my friends call me greg burn
on account of all the burnage.
>> Burn.
>> Zinger.
>> I heard you were out
of the zinger game.
I heard you retired
and they named second place
after you.
Sh -- diga, diga, diga, diga --
zing!
[ Laughter ]
>> Nice burn, zinger.
By the way, you still owe me
that rent check, since you spend
all your time living
in my shadow.
[ Blowing sounds ]
You're burned!
[ Laughter and applause ]
>> Yeah, I've been meaning
to send you that rent check.
I want to make sure it gets
to you, though, so is "dick wad"
one word or two?
[ Makes ringing sounds ]
Excuse me for one moment.
Hello?
Yeah, no, he's here.
It's for you.
>> Hello.
>> Hi, this is the operator.
You've just been zinged!
[ Laughter ]
>> Gentlemen, please.
Could you keep it down?
>> Oh, he'll have no problem
keeping it down, since he can't
even get it up.
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
Oh, this coffee is too hot.
Could you mind holding it for me
for a minute?
Yeah.
Hey, what time is it?
>> It's --
>> Burn!
[ Laughter ]
>> Gentlemen, this cannot
continue.
We have important work to do
here.
I'm going to have to demand that
you guys have a best of three
zing/burn off, with the winner
declared zingmaster.
>> Or burnmaster.
>> My apologies.
Or burnmaster.
And then we can get back
to the business of saving this
billion-dollar satellite.
>> I'm sure this won't be too
hard.
>> "I'm sure this won't be too
hard"?
Isn't that what you said
to your wife on your honeymoon
night?
[ Laughter ]
Bzz -- zzzz.
Plop.
Zzz -- whoa, stay still.
Smile.
Zzzz -- see, it's me, and it's
you, and you've just been
zinged!
[ Laughter ]
Don't even think about trying
to touch this!
>> "Don't even think
about touching this"?
Isn't that what it says
on the picture of your crotch
at the free clinic?
Whoo!
[ Laughter ]
[ Makes chainsaw sounds ]
Tim-burn!
[ Laughter and applause ]
>> Sir, we should really focus
on the satellite.
>> Not now, sheila!
It's 1-1.
The next zinger or burn
decides it.
>> Stop!
I can't take this.
We're supposed to be scientists
working together for the common
good.
>> Nice try, zinger.
You can't fool me.
>> I'm serious.
We need to put aside our petty
differences and work together.
For once, let burns and zinger
stand side-by-side.
>> Wow, zinger, I never thought
I'd say this, but you're
a pretty good guy.
>> Whoa, burns, if you want
to make out with me, you better
buy me a drink first!
Ga-ga-gun-ga-gun.
Swish, oh, he was fouled!
Ga-gunk-ga-gunk-ga-gunk.
Swish.
Four-point zing, yeah!
[ Laughter ]
>> You win this time, zinger,
but I'll be back.
>> Whoo!
>> Well, why don't we move
on to the next room, so we can
discuss the business of this
very important satellite?
[ Applause ]
Wow.
10.  
  [ Cheers and applause ]
>>> Good morning.
And welcome to "soap opera
digest."
I'm your host, helen desanto.
And with us today is actor
trent darricks, one of the stars
of "doctors, nurses
and patients," the new daytime
drama seen weekdays here on nbc.
Welcome, trent.
>> Well, thank you very much,
helen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> I'm sure you hear this all
the time, helen, but you look
ravishing.
>> Oh.
Thank you, trent.
Now is that you saying that
or your character, dr. Dirk
johannsen?
>> No, that's my opinion,
but I'm sure that dr. Dirk would
agree.
>> Now your best known
for a character you used
to play, race car driver
brace mcfadden on abc's "the
love of your life."
>> Yes.
Ha ha ha.
[ Laughter ]
>> Now trent, do you research
your roles?
>> Oh, yes, helen.
When I was playing the part
of race car driver
brace mcfadden, I hung around
with some auto mechanics so that
I could learn more about cars.
I learned quite a bit, actually.
For instance, oil filter, air
filter, rack and pinion
steering.
The list literally goes
on and on.
I used to think that rack
and pinion was one word.
>> Oh.
And your research of your role
as dr. Johannsen?
>> Oh, very, very different.
Instead of talking to mechanics,
I spoke with doctors.
>> Well, let's take a look
at you in action.
This is from "doctors, nurses
and patients."
>> Dr. Johannsen, taylor milton
is here to see you.
He's not scheduled
for an appointment.
Should I let him in?
>> Yes, harriet, by all means.
>> Okay.
[ Playing dramatic music ]
[ Laughter ]
>> Hello, dirk.
What's the verdict?
>> Taylor, I'm afraid
we received some very, very
bad news.
We got the results
from your ur-ine test.
[ Laughter ]
Remember, you told me it had
been some time since you had
last evacuated your bowls.
[ Laughter ]
There appears to be some trouble
with your collin.
[ Laughter ]
>> Is it --
>> Look, I'm going to be
straight with you, taylor.
We believe it might be
a pole-yip.
[ Laughter ]
It might be the big C.
Canker.
[ Laughter ]
Let's not jump to any
conclusions right now.
It might be be-nig.
It it might mel-ig-nant.
[ Laughter ]
Let's just hope it's be-nig.
[ Laughter ]
>> Now, I'm not sure
I understand exactly what was
going on in that scene, trent.
>> Well, helen, if you watch
the show, you'll find out later
that it was be-nig and not
mel-ig-nant.
[ Laughter ]
It was contract negotiation time
for vince pailly, who plays
the part of taylor and they were
thinking of writing him out
of the series.
>> Interesting.
Let's take another look
at a scene from "doctors, nurses
and patients."
>> Dr. Johanssen, david
middleton, taylor middleton's
son, is here to see you.
He doesn't have an appointment.
Should I send him in?
>> Thanks, harriet.
Send him in.
[ Laughter ]
[ Playing dramatic music ]
Hello, david.
Have a seat.
>> Look, doc, if there's
something wrong with my dad,
I want you to tell me
the truth, okay?
I can take it.
>> All right, son.
There is some problem
with your father's anal cane-al.
[ Laughter ]
They found a pole-yip.
>> Look, I don't know if I want
to hear this, okay?
>> Dave, dave, dave!
Your mom needs you to be strong
now, son.
David, this is the part
of the job I hate most.
There's no class
at yeah-lee medical school that
can prepare you for this.
[ Laughter ]
David, I'll do all I can,
I promise you.
>> No, no.
[ Sobbing ]
>> Harriet!
We've got an emergency.
There's something lodged
in is esso-fay-gus.
[ Laughter ]
It could permanently damage
his larry-nix.
>> Yes, doctor.
[ Cheers and applause ]
>> Well, thank you, trent,
for visiting with us today.
We'd like to wish you the best
in the future.
By the way, what's in store
for you?
>> Well, helen, actually I'll be
appearing in a motion picture
based on the life
of the composer
frederick choppin.
[ Laughter ]
It's a small part.
>> Good luck.
And we'd like to thank
you for joining us today.
Bye-bye.
[ Cheers and applause ]
>>> Larry!
Hey, congratulations
on the promotion.
It's about time the company
threw you a bone.
>> Thanks, tom.
>> Well, your new office seems
to be ready to go.
All you need to do is set up
your voice mail.
>> Great.
>> Way to go, larry.
>> Okay.
Let's get this voice mail
thing going.
>> Welcome to tel-ex
voice mail systems.
To record your outgoing
message, press one.
Please record your outgoing
message at the tone.
[ Tone ]
>> This is larry henderson.
I'm not at my desk.
Please leave a message.
>> To review your ssage,
press two.
[ Effeminate voice ]
>> This is larry henderson.
I'm not at my desk.
[ Laughter ]
>> Geez.
Let me try this one again.
[ Tone ]
>> Hi, you've reached
larry henderson at flowright
industries.
I'm not at my desk, so please
leave a message.
>> To review your message,
press two.
[ Effeminate voice ]
>> Hi, you've reached
larry henderson at flowright
industries.
I'm not at my desk, so
please leave a message, okay?
[ Laughter ]
>> Hey, vicky!
>> Yeah, larry?
>> Something is wrong with this
voice mail.
Listen to this.
[ Effeminate voice ]
>> Hi, you've reached
larry henderson at flowright
industries.
I'm not at my desk, so
please leave a message, okay?
[ Light laughter ]
>> You see?
I don't sound like that.
>> No, that's how you sound.
[ Laughter ]
>> Thanks, vicky.
[ Tone ]
[ In a deep voice ]
>> Hi, this is larry henderson.
Leave a message.
Thanks.
[ Laughter ]
[ Effeminate voice ]
[ Kylie minogue
playing in background
>> Hi, this is lawrence H.
I'm not here.
Why is your tired ass
calling me anyway?
Oh, well, leave a message,
and it best not be shady.
Thanks, girl.
[ Laughter ]
>> I didn't say any of that.
And why is kylie minogue playing
in the background?
[ Laughter ]
And how do I know who
kylie minogue is?
[ Laughter ]
[ Tone ]
>> This is larry.
I'm not here.
Call me back.
[ Effeminate voice ]
>> It's larry.
I'm out.
Big surprise.
Hello!
Hello, hello, hello!
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
>> Hey, honey.
I just thought I'd drop
by and see if you wanted to go
out for lunch.
>> Oh, what are you doing?
>> Stephanie, watch this.
[ Tone ]
Hi, it's larry.
I'm not here.
[ Effeminate voice ]
>> Hi, miss larry st. Marie
is definitely not at
her perch.
>> What about it?
>> I sound totally different.
>> It sounds just like
you, honey.
>> That sounds just like me?
>> Baby, you have a very
femmy voice.
[ Laughter ]
>> Well, couldn't someone have
told me that before I got a job
at a drainage pipe distribution
company?
>> Hey, larry.
>> Hey.
>> Just wanted to drop
by and say congrats.
>> Hey, guys.
Have you met my wife ,stephanie?
>> No, we thought maybe she was
your sister, and you guys were
just really close.
>> I thought it might be
your old roommate from college.
>> Yeah, I thought it might be
your beard.
>> No, it's my wife, the same
wife with whom I've happily laid
my weight upon and created
seven children.
>> Honey, we only have
three children.
>> Cool it, stephanie.
>> We hear you.
>> It's all good.
>> Hey, by the way, lar,
as a gift for your
new promotion, we got
you a little surprise.
[ "Relax" by frankie goes
to hollywood plays ]
Relax
don't do it
>> Yeah, larry!
[ Cheers ]
>> Out.
Out.
>> Come on, honey,
it's your promotion!
Loosen up!
Enjoy it!
[ Cheers and applause ]
11.  
 


 

>> The market -- market's up
80 points.
>> I'll never figure out this
market.
>> One day she's up, the next
day she's up!
[ Laughter ]
>> Hey, do you fellas know a guy
by the name of bill brasky?
>> Sure, I know bill brasky!
He's a 10-foot tall beast man
who showers in vodka and feeds
his baby shrimp scampi!
>> Best damn trader
on the floor!
>> Yes.
>> He orchestrated the merger
between unicef and
smith & wesson.
[ Laughter ]
>> Brasky went public
with his own buttocks and made
$7 million.
>> To bill brasky!
>> All: Bill brasky!
>> Did I ever tell you 'bout
the time brasky went hunting?
>> I masturbate to
the teletubbies.
[ Laughter ]
>> Anyway.
Brasky decides he's going
to hunt down all four of "the
banana splits."
He stalks and kills every one
of them with a machete.
They all beg for their lives,
except fleegle.
[ Laughter ]
>> We once had a bachelor party
for brasky.
He ate the entire cake before
we could tell him there was
a stripppper in it.
[ Laughter ]
>> Brasky once hosted
the grammy's and gave every
award to corey hart.
>> He has a toenail on the end
of his penis.
[ Laughter ]
>> Brasky got his wife pregnant
and she gave birth
to a delicious 16-ounce steak.
>> The afterbirth was sauteed
mushrooms.
[ Laughter ]
>> Brasky's family crest is
a picture of a barracuda eating
neil armstrong.
>> Brasky's ranked 18th
in the A.P. College
football poll.
>> To bill brasky!
>> All: Bill brasky!
>> Excuse me, do you know where
the pay phone is?
>> Piss off, sister, and get us
some pretzels.
>> Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
>> You men smell awful.
>> Did I ever tell
you about the time brasky was
in a production of "the king
and I"?
>> Every morning I crap the bed.
[ Laughter ]
>> Anyway, on opening night,
brasky chloroforms the entire
cast and slowly eats them
in front of the audience
for two hours.
The production got pretty good
reviews.
>> He breast feeds john madden.
>> Brasky named the group,
sha na na.
They did not want to be
called that.
>> If you drop a phonograph
needle on brasky's nipple, it
plays the beach boys
"pet sounds."
>> They use brasky's foreskin
as a tarp when it rains
at yankee stadium.
[ Laughter ]
>> Brasky directed that
commercial where the women play
basketball in high heels.
>> He wears a live rattlesnake
as a condom.
>> All the "yes" album covers
are brasky family photos.
>> Darrell dawkins has a summer
home in brasky's groin.
>> To bill brasky!
>> All: Bill brasky!
>> Hey, did I ever tell
you about the time brasky taught
his son how to drive?
>> I'm legally retarded.
[ Laughter ]
>> Anyway, brasky taught his son
how to drive by entering him
into the indy 500.
The kid wrecked and died.
Brasky said, "it would have
happened sometime."
>> Brasky's semen can form
into a liquid human.
>> Like the guy from
"terminator 2"!
>> Brasky still believes
in santa claus, and he wants
to put him in porno films.
>> He thinks the iron man
is gay.
>> He framed roger rabbit!
>> Brasky used to ride
upon a steed, per chance to spy
a lady.
>> The character of johnny
appleseed was based on brasky,
except for the part
about planting apple trees
and not raping men.
[ Laughter ]
>> He gave a hand job to a manta
ray.
[ Speaking incoherently ]
>> I hear you, buddy.
To bill brasky!
>> All: Bill brasky!
>> I'm bill brasky.
And I just cornered the market
on booze.
Who wants a drink?
>> All: Bill brasky!
[ Applause ]
 
   
   
   
   

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
The Passion Of The Christ
 
 
 
 
 

Keith Barry  Extraordinary Second   Sight   From   A "Mind Control Expert"

 

"It's not a cover up!"

90%  of  household  dust truth uncovered    >Lab<

 
A Beautiful Mind
 

If all  homes  have  mold so does your body  (CLX)  

 
 
 

The Constant Gardner (R)

Possible  connection  to  the cause  of  hurricane  Katrina

 

No   need    for   a    Zoe Implant.     You   already have   a  similar  &  more powerful  one.  See  The Final Cut Trailer  &  BJM

 
 
Homers Under Control !

Sounds    more     like    a cracking    sound       than paper shredding.  Is this a threat,    an    answer    or what's going on at offices around   the  world.   The WTC   had   an   invisible substance in the building that  made  the   structure fail.       deathbyarch.com

 

 
Korrekt Television
 
 

Psycho Sounding   

A   means   of   obtaining information      from     an individual's mind  without his   will   and  awareness

We  are  all   victims  of a  large  scale  study similar to this  information stated on a Russian website.

 
About Control        >1  2<
 
 

 

 

 

These guys are talking about control.

(two interestin